Beyond Boundaries

Spring is Finally Here! Yipee!!

2010-04-11T07:48:00.000-07:00

During winter hours, I dream of today. Days that the birds are using their secret codes to tell all the others about a multitude of sustenance waiting right in my back yard. I feel as if somehow I am fostering nature by aiding these elegant creatures. This morning, it actually sounds like I am back in Africa…well, except for the lack of Rhinoceros stomping around each morning. I am also missing that monkey that swooped in and stole my breakfast one morning. Those little boogers are not only fast but skillfully determined!

Sitting outside this morning is amazing. I finally found a cushion to fit my cast iron bench. My parents gifted me this bench as a housewarming present when I bought my first home in Chattanooga. It is a beautiful bench but lacks a certain amount of comfort under the toosh. Yesterday morning before working the clinic, I found the perfect (well almost) cushion to aide in my much needed comfort. Now I can fully utilize early mornings as the sun rises upon me and also watch the little birds feast. There is nowhere else I would rather be at this moment.

I read back over some of my previous blogs a couple of weeks ago. It is interesting the thoughts I had on those subjects. Sometimes I get angry with myself due to my impatience and mood driven actions. If only I could always remember that this too shall pass, my world would be much less complicated. This too HAS passed and the peace that today I experience is something I want to always cling to. Why are those four little words so difficult to hold onto?

As I journey forward in this magical world called life (stumbling a bit I might add), I want to remember today. Sunday morning with the sun beaming down upon me, sitting on the metamorphosis of my bench, watching and listening to the birds sing and looking up into the aqua sky that has been painted just for me. I must be present each day and swim in the oceans that were created just for Dawn. It sounds so cliché but we are only here for such a short amount of time and I wish to not spend one more moment basking in my self imposed shortcomings but just hold onto that I am on the path God meant for me to be on and attaining peace and joy in my life is truly all I need.

WELCOME SPRING 2010!

Is it intuition or self-fulfilling prophecies?

2009-10-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

The days are shorter now when I begin to notice “the signs” when allowing someone in my life. Girls , I know you know what I mean…and probably some very self-aware guys too. But I have to ask myself, am I really that elevated in my emotional awareness (or lack thereof) of others or am I truly engaging in self-fulfilling prophecies? Or better yet, am I continuing to allow individuals in my life that have no business here?

Being single can be liberating and truly satisfactory. Until it wears off. I think mine has worn down like those favorite shoes you have had for way too long that need to go like yesterday's news. Can I do it all on my own? Yes, I certainly can and have. Do I want to be that independent girl that can take care of herself? On some level, yes. But, I want something different for my life now. I am tired of all the crooked roads and exceptionally over putting zero in the plus one category as my friends marry off one by one.

People often ask if the men are knocking down my door. I certainly haven't replaced any!! A myriad of reasons come to mind. Some valid, yet others could qualify for excuses. I am not twenty–something anymore and I do think that when we are young, we accept more flaws in others. I mean, not that we ourselves are not flawed but we are hopeful romantics. If that person does not grow with us, things get complicated. When we approach and embrace our thirties, we (should) know better and make better choices. I do really well at making great decisions just to find that loneliness becomes a powerful motivator for situations I could seriously do without. I will always remember a sermon I heard from Charles Stanley advising to never get HALT. Never get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. These are times you make your worst decisions. I agree yet fall short more times than I am willing to admit.

So, am I incredibly aware of my surroundings due to extreme difficult life experience or does my thought life and attitudes dictate the people who inadvertently end up in my life? Can one control the filters in which life is perceived or are they a permanent fixture? Whatever the answer, I must stay true to myself. Trust my intuition and go with it. Maybe it doesn’t win me the most points but I suppose that all depends on who is awarding those points. At least for tonight, I will trust my instincts but also search out further explanations and answers as the clock ticks on….

Not a LICK of sense...

2009-10-27T22:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I act like I ain’t got a lick of sense. I actually remember being told those exact words by my mamaw and poppy growing up.

What drives me? What drives you? What is it in us that is more powerful than our own will? Our needs, desires, disappointments, boredom…anything that motivates us to go to that fire even though we know we will get burned and it will hurt like hell.

Trust is very difficult for me. After years of pain and sorrow of individuals I let in my life, I have come to grips that I have been hurt in every which way possible. I know in my head that my past does not dictate my future but I want to be honest and say, it has contributed to choices I have made along these winding paths. Don’t we all struggle with this in one form or fashion?

I heard something at church which has bothered me ever since I heard it. In fact, I have stopped going as much as I was because of this comment. The pastor said that one day, God wont be there for you. He beckons us and not we Him. I thought about all the times in my life I have run from God. Flat out rebelled. Those words scare me. I know the only way I got through my crazy life was because of God. He has always been there, even when I didn’t deserve it. I am actually deeply bothered by this statement. Thoughts anyone??

I just know that right now I am making some choices that I know will not turn out well for me in the end. But I am doing it anyway mostly to fill some hole that quite honestly if it is filled, must have a leaky bottom. Or maybe I truly just do not have a lick of sense….

We All Have A Story

2009-09-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

Last night I was inspired and challenged to do what I am afraid to do most. Write. Why you ask? Exposure is my greatest fear. I have this sense of awakening abruptly shoved upon me as if shockingly cold water has engulfed each tiny nerve endings of my being whispering, “just tread”. I know I will acclimate to this environment if I just stay focused and resist the urge to stop. I realized immediately amongst a group of aspiring writers that we all have a story to tell. I look around Borders Bookstore as expectant mothers buy an array of books related to their new pregnancy and glance (okay maybe stare) the cookbooks on each side of me that are seriously about to make me blow my diet. They explain to me their purpose and I wonder how they finally ended up on the shelf before me. We all have a story to tell whether it comes from a place of sheer happiness, concern, anger, love or just the need to be heard. Writing does this for us. It is cathartic and a seed has been placed inside me to write. Beckoning me from years gone by. Time is normally the enemy of memories but for me, my greatest ally. Yes time and me, we go way back. Time which has grown me beyond measures I never imagined possible. Time which has indeed opened and healed many wounds. I no longer want to feel as if time has betrayed or imprisoned me. Freedom always comes at a price and its worth is immeasurable.

Where were you September 11, 2001? Most of us can tell in detail every aspect of where we were that unfortunate day. I had graduate school that night and was on my computer upstairs of my townhouse which I resided in for a short amount of time after my divorce. In fact, my divorce was final only two months before almost to the day. I remember seeing the second building of the World Trade Center collapse and thinking how much that resembled the previous year of my life. A likeness of where my life had been and future trials I had yet to experience. A friend told me about the first collapse and I assumed like many others that it was a horrible accident. Wow, how could that happen? When the second plane struck, fear bore down upon me and the illustration was clear. America was under attack. As a child, I remember words like Gulf War, Challenger explosion and Reagan being shot but I never truly grasped the sadness that world events can mean for all of us. Oh to return to the early days of ignorant bliss. I now understand why grown-ups told me to enjoy my childhood. For the first time, my safe America felt much like instances in my life, explosive and unpredictable. We all know the events as they unfolded throughout the day. A day that time will never steal.

Have we forgotten? Sometimes I wish I could forget 9/11 and other menacing memories that surround me at times. Unfortunately my brain pulls out the proverbial old photo album reminiscing around images from long ago as if yesterday was just upon me. A little dementia from time to time might not actually be a bad thing. Today, I want to remember the lives destroyed by evils to which I will never fully comprehend. I want to uplift the families plagued with memories of their loved ones they will never see again. Remember the emergency responders who lost their lives and the American people who are forever scarred by the events of September 11, 2001. Today is a day to remember.